Hatred of Tuesday

26983_1339420858498_5229929_nWeek: #3

Pounds Lost: 18

Pounds To Go: 190

This week, Madame Scale was a reflection of the rollercoaster of emotions and stress leading up to Tuesday… November 14th… a date that I really hate has meaning at all. I hate November 14th, and although I am certain that many amazing people may have birthdays or anniversaries or events of Joy on this day, November 14th is the date that houses my deepest pain. I wish it didn’t exist. I dread this day all year long, and we have basically arrived.

On November 14th, just 3 short years ago, I lost someone so special, so amazing, so generous, so selfless… I lost my Dad, and with him a piece of me. I wasn’t ready for him to go then, and to be honest, I’m still not ready for him to be gone. I go through amazing life events, like my little princess dancing and cheerleading, and I see pieces of me in her, pieces that HE would have recognized. I see me in my little prince, in his love for Christmas and music and movement, and in those things I also see HIM. He is all around us. He is in random owls that I see in broad daylight. He is in my prince’s love for all things chocolate. I have to believe that… I have to… because the alternative… the fact that besides a small jar  of ash, he is gone… is crippling.  I cry, I close my eyes, and I can see his hands, every time. That vision never really makes things better, although maybe someday it will. However, until that day, I will spend November 14th reading my own raw account of the day that he died in my arms…

THE GREATEST LOSS

This week I am going to take a break from writing about the usual weight-loss and mommyhood topics, although as a side note I am back on the healthy eating wagon and have already lost 8 pounds! Even with that success, I need to take a moment to get more personal. To use this little online diary as a way to cope and shuffle myself through the process of grief. Because this week I lost much more than any number on the scale. This week, and to be specific, at 3:53pm on Friday, I lost my Dad.

My Dad, was in short, the most wonderful man on the planet. As a boy he grew up in an orphanage, only to emerge with a positive spirit into his first foster home at 16. He excelled in sports through college, and was adored as a teacher throughout his career, but what he was most amazing at was being a father. He raised me on his own, certainly not small undertaking by any means, and we functioned as a pair. Just me and him, for the majority of my life, and that is something I wouldn’t trade for anything.

Almost eight years ago, we got the news, the news that limited time. Stage 3 colon cancer had been detected and there was no telling how much time we had left, but we knew all of it would be borrowed. Well, he fought harder than anyone so he could see my dreams come true. He made sure to dance with me at my wedding, and to see me become a mother. And for a short time, my princess was the dancing spirit he needed to fight just a little bit harder. A few months back he had yet another round of radiation to try and rid his body of the disease that would never be cured, but this time he never got to feel better. The relief wasn’t coming, so somehow he had to know it was time.

Late Wednesday evening, I got the call, the call I had been dreading for so long, the call letting me know that the end was very near. He had entered into hospice home care and had rapidly declined. I needed to be with him. So, first thing in the morning I packed up the kids and we went to his bedside. His body was there, but it had already visibly changed so much since the time we saw him last, just over a month prior. His face and eyes were starting to sink and there was a gurgle with each breath he took. Looking around the room he was in, there were pictures, of only one person, my princess, and they were everywhere. He opened his eyes and smiled when we walked in the room. It was a little much for my royals to handle so I made it quick and told him how much I loved him multiple times, much like a broken record. In a weakened voice he struggled and forced out an I love you too, then began to cough. The nurse came in, helped to soothe, and after a while we were on our way with the promise of tomorrow’s return. That night, I didn’t sleep, I lay awake staring at my phone, mortified at the thought of it ringing. Friday morning finally came, and in the afternoon I rushed to be back at his side, just me this time.

I got there and he had declined. I said my hello and my I love you and went to get the brief from the nurse. The phrase he’s in a stage of actively dying hit me like a freight train. I wasn’t ready to not need him. I wasn’t ready to let him go. But I knew that I needed to tell him I would be ok. After another visitor left his room, I rushed in. I still had things he needed to hear. So, I held his hand and I played him a video of my princess telling him how much she loved him, and I heard his gurgled breath. Then I said I love you so much, and we are going to be ok, it’s ok for you to go. One more gurgled breath, and then… Silence. He was gone. I waited there still holding back the tears, holding his hand, just the two of us, and still telling him how much I loved him. Then I walked out to tell the others that he had gone. His wife went in, the nurse came back, and he was officially pronounced. I helped the nurse give him his final sponge bath along with his wife, her on one side and me on the other. Helping him to leave this earth in the best way possible. Then all we had to do was wait for the funeral/cremation folks to collect his body.

They were about two hours from arrival, so after talking with the social worker about grief, I went to do what I instinctively needed to do. I went back into his room and sat by his bedside, holding his hand, just the two of us, until the man came to take him away. I gave him his very last I love you, Daddy , a kiss on the forehead, and then he was on his way. I left shortly after because my relationship with my step-mother is only slightly better than those in fairy tales, so there was no reason to stay.

I now go in cycles of strength, to complete breakdown drowning in tears, to numb. By some magical power, I have not turned to food but to exercise, but even that only gives a brief escape from the cycle. I see those last few moments with him every time I close my eyes. I started out in this world in his arms, and he left this world in mine. It was just as it should be, regardless of how sad it was. I am selfishly devastated, but I know he is in a better place. A place of peace where there is no pain, no pills to take, or port to clean. I know that eventually, I will close my eyes and his last breath won’t be there. I know, that eventually, I will get used to the pain of him being gone. I know that I will see him in moments, and feel his presence , and that he will somehow still be watching out for me. But… For now… I’m lost without him. I am crushed, pieces of me are missing, and I am doing what I can to slowly piece myself back together.

Next week will be a new week, filled with hope. But, for right now, and for Tuesday, I am going to cry it out.

XOXO,

FatFree Mommy

Goals That Make You Curse!

IMG_0591Week: #2

Total Pounds Lost: 17

Pounds to Go: 191

It’s been a long time, 40 years in fact, since an  American woman has crossed the NYC Marathon finish-line 1st! This year, it was the awesome Shalane Flanagan!!! She is nothing short of amazing, inspiring, motivating… all of the ___ing words that mean she is definitely up on a pedestal in my mind.  Fun fact, we are the same age, she is actually a few months older, which of course made the good ‘ol mind wheels turn… why is age EVER an excuse for not setting a big goal or for achieving ANYTHING physical? Sure there are certain roadblocks and changes that come with age, but does that really matter? Or is it more the grit and determination to reach your goals that will allow for the defiance of age?

Now, I am not saying that at the ripe age of 35 (I can still say that for another month, so I will) I am going to suddenly begin my olympic career, because I just don’t have the desire or the time it would take to actually make that happen…  but, I am saying that age shouldn’t be a hard stop when it comes to any fitness goal. Can age make reaching a goal harder? Perhaps, but that doesn’t mean that the goal isn’t worth it or that it is impossible!

Watching Shalene cross that finish-line and say “F*CK Yeah” inspired a moment of clarity… Is my weight-loss goal something that is going to make me say “F*CK Yeah” WHEN I reach it?? Ummm… duh! Of course it is! I mean, I am no stranger to the F bomb. I watched a Pink interview the other day, where she said that the F word was her favorite curse word, and I whole heartedly agree. It’s so versatile, and in this case, is the ultimate expression of pride, joy, and accomplishment! Not only do I want it bad enough, but I already know what it takes to get there. Is it a bit harder this time around? Yeah, I’m older, things on the inside are a changing, but that isn’t going to stop me! I want that feeling that Shalane had today, more than any cupcake, block of cheese, or spoonful of cookie butter!

So, here’s to Shalane, and all of the goals that we have that will make us say “F*CK Yeah” WHEN we achieve them!!

XOXO,

FatFree Mommy

Are they getting the BEST of you? OR only what is LEFT of you?

 

IMG_0246

Week: #1

 

Pounds Lost: 15

Pounds To Go: 193

 

Well, here we are… the beginning… again… I feel like somewhat of a fraud since starting this journey 5 years ago… but… that changes… NOW! It’s time to head down a true path of health and healing that will lead to a true life change, and it all started with this simple, to be honest tear jerking, question… “Are they getting the best of you? Or just what’s left of you?” Oh man, just typing those words I get choked up, because the truth is, my family, my friends, anyone who I come into contact with really, was only getting what was left.

 

Much has changed since my last entry to this little online diary of mine. I now run a business or two, have two thriving kiddos, and have put back on every single pound that I had lost. All of those words of being the last time as a Fattty McFatMom were, well, excuse my language, bullshit. I’m sorry, but there really is no other word for it. I had the absolute best of intentions in losing weight and keeping it off, but when the times got rough and truly devastatingly rough, I went down a spiral that I could not be rescued from. The truth is, I had to rescue myself. It took hearing that question to really make me realize that I was cheating myself, and everyone around me, out of … me! I was tired ALL THE TIME. Literally, I would be ready for a nap within an hour or two of even waking up. I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to play. I just didn’t. It was more than being lazy, it was an active choice to not be present, to not be a true part of  my own life. That’s not fair. Not to me, not to my little royals, not to anyone.

So, there I was, at my worst physically, mentally, emotionally, all the ___allys really, and I  heard that question “Are they getting the best of you or just what is left of you?”  At that point, all I could do was cry because they were just getting what was left, and that really wasn’t much at all. Change was needed.

Here we will start, at the beginning. A new program,  a new life changing path ahead, and a new focus. I have even created an accountability Facebook Group!!! Oh you know it’s real when a Facebook Group has been created!! That’s right, it’s go time!!! Already, I feel more present, more able, and more determined to give my best instead of just what is left. I am excited to be on this new journey! I’m back!

 

XOXO,

FatFree Mommy

End of an Era

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~Dr. Seuss

Week: #11

Pounds Lost: 9

Pounds To Go: 121

Another week, another pound left on the pavement! This week was hard. Not so much in the eating or exercising department, but emotionally, it was just plain hard. This week marked the end of my time at Baby Boot Camp, and all of the sappy friendship and good bye songs were the soundtrack of the past few days. Mothers need support, and when that support comes in the form of strong women who have a passion for fitness, well… that type of support just can’t be beat.

When we moved back to Florida, just four years ago, I set out to be one of those moms who did activities with my daughter. I would show her what it was like to have a healthy, hands-on mom. Baby Boot Camp was the perfect marriage of fitness and time with your child. You work out in front of your child, you engage your child in the workout through song, and sometimes tickles, it is an amazing program to be a part of, to grow with, and lastly to teach. I was a part of healthy changes in the lives of many. I got to share in stories of success and struggle, and together we pushed through it all. We were bonded by sweat and sweet laughter, and I couldn’t ask for a better mommyhood experience. These were the women I called when I reached my goal weight and went shopping as a skinny girl for the first time. These were the women who I coached back to healthier mommy bodies. These were the babies who I would help soothe and who would go home and do squats as toddlers. Most of all, these were the women who got me out of bed when my world was crumbling. I’m sobbing even as I write this, because a part of me will never be ready to let that kind of love and support go. But… the reality is, living an hour away from where we celebrated health every Monday and Wednesday was just too much. The commute was stressful, and although the workouts were still great, and the women were still wonderful, it was different because I didn’t get to participate in all of the after-workout opportunities to strengthen my village. So, the decision was made in mid-March that April would be my last month of teaching, and time just flew by too fast.

All of a sudden, there we were celebrating my last week of teaching Baby Boot Camp. Old cherished friends came to those final workouts, faces that I haven’t seen in a long time, and my heart was filled with so much love, that it was literally coming out my eyeballs. I made it a point to give it all I had as an instructor for those last two classes. Being able to teach and coach again was a gift, and I wasn’t about to leave without giving everything of me back to the women who helped shape my mommyhood journey thus far. I know my relationships with these strong mamas will continue in a different way, but I also know that these past four years have been filled with some of the best memories of my life, and for that I will forever be in debt to the mommies of Baby Boot Camp.

Mommyhood is a journey, and one that should never be walked alone. We need our village to help us along the way, and whether that village is made up of family, or friends who feel like family, or, if you’re lucky, a combination, each village is special, necessary, and cherished. This Fat-Free Mommy was truly blessed to be welcomed into the fold of the Baby Boot Camp village. Now, as my mommyhood adventures continue on a different path, I know I am strong enough to take on this change of life, even though it may be making me scared and sad in this moment. I am blessed because my village spans more than just my street corner. I have strong mamas I can turn to around the world, and I wouldn’t have it any other way!

XOXO, 

Fat-Free Mommy

The Dark(est) Side

HalfMarathon1thumbWeek: #10

Pounds Lost: 8

Pounds to Go: 122

Oh Boy! Another runDisney racecation in the books! Over the weekend, I took on the Inaugural Star Wars Dark Side Half Marathon, and let me tell you it was the darkest half of my life! Not because I had to wake up at 1:45am to get to the start on time, and not because the theme was the villainous dark side of Star Wars, but because it was my slowest and heaviest half marathon ever!

You know, research has shown that for every pound you weigh, you put about 4 pounds of pressure on your joints, especially knees and ankles. So, doing the math, I ran this past weekend with an additional 488 pounds of pressure! That’s in excess of the pounds of pressure my frame should have, but I won’t do the entire math equation for you because even the Fat-Free Mommy has to have some modesty! With all that added pressure, of course I would be slower than desired, snails pace even, and I own it! I didn’t go into the race expecting some running angel miracle of speed despite my size. I am this heavy because of bad choices, bad choices have consequences, and instead of a time-out, my consequence was slug like slowness.

So there I was, jalking along the course, not knowing a single character, because I have never seen a Star Wars movie, I know blasphemy, but it’s the truth. Stopping for characters wasn’t going to slow me down, that’s for sure, but my lack of speed still ignited a certain level of anxiety. If you don’t meet the pace requirements, you get swept, end of story. If you fall behind the sweepers, you don’t get to cross the finish line, you typically still get a medal, but really, who wants a medal they didn’t earn? Ok, a lot of people, but I am NOT one of them. For the first time, in 24 half marathons, I was terrified of being swept. Looking over my shoulder or around the corner probably wasted more energy than it was worth, but nevertheless my head was on a swivel. Then, by mile 11 I was surrounded by people who appeared to be in pain, with defeated looks on their faces. You can do it, and Are you ok? are words I would call out as I passed. One woman in particular that I saw, had rubbed her thighs so raw with the friction of movement that she was bleeding, to her I offered my emergency bottle of Aquaphor. At that moment it dawned on me, that even though I was much slower than I wanted to be, and much much larger than I wanted to be, I still wasn’t injured or defeated. I pushed myself, but not to the point of injury or pain, and I finished ahead of the sweepers by a couple of miles. I was ok. I did it. Sure, I was sore and exhausted in the two days that followed, but nothing that a little rest couldn’t cure.

Beyond anything, this weekend got me thinking… Yes, I am on a long journey back to health, but it could be worse. A lot worse. I have the means and the knowledge I need to be my own success story, and really that is all I need. No matter what, just like in the race, if I keep pushing forward, I will reach my goal line!

 

XOXO, 

Fat-Free Mommy

Sometimes You Gotta Laugh

33ce9ad74c8603b60f9f130910f24b27Week: #8

Pounds Lost: 5

Pounds to Go: 125

Woohoo! Another week and another 2 pounds gone! I would celebrate with a happy dance, but this week I seem to have channeled my inner Lucy, so I fear I would hurt myself! Some weeks are good, some weeks are bad, and then there are weeks like this, where you just have to laugh.

It started Monday, a normal Monday by Monday standards, started teaching my bootcamp class, and during the warm up I managed to sprain my middle finger while attempting to stretch my quad. Yes, you read that right, I sprained a finger stretching my leg! Who does that?! If I didn’t live it, I really wouldn’t think it were possible. But there I was kicking my leg back to catch in my hand, and BAM, missed and kicked my own middle finger. I screamed through a smile, some of the kiddos laughed at me, and I sent the mommies for a little warm up run while I composed myself. Class went on, life went on, and about 5 hours later I figured it would be time to ice my finger, you know, since it had almost doubled in size. By nightfall I finally got around to putting a finger brace on it, and when I awoke the next day it was a beautiful rainbow of purples, blues, and yellows. That’s me, Mommy McClumsy! It gets better though. The next day I could bend my finger a little without pain and I took off my finger brace to wash  my hands, in swoops the little hands of my little prince and my brace disappears. Where is mommy’s finger brace? I ask… Over there, he answers. Now, Over there, to my two year old is really more of a general anywhere in the universe type of location. So, here I am, healing slowly without a brace, and I really just have to laugh.

Why I share this story, is because that incident on Monday could have gone one of two ways. I could have gotten discouraged and stopped, or I could have just kept going knowing that it would get better. I chose the optimistic route, and just kept going. My finger wasn’t falling off, or contorted into some unnatural direction, so for me, that meant that it could be dealt with later. I had a “show must go on” type of attitude and I know that this attitude can translate into my weight loss journey. So, I had a painful experience, that doesn’t mean I had to then eat a cake to feel better. So, I had a nibble of my kiddos pasta, that doesn’t mean that I have to turn and binge the day away. One simple mistake, mishap, or moment of negativity does not define a day. Get back up, and keep going, because the day isn’t over yet, and you never know what hilarious Lucy type moment is just around the corner.

XOXO, 

Fat-Free Mommy

Bigger Than Myself

Screen Shot 2016-03-31 at 11.46.55 AMWeek: #7

Pounds Lost: 3

Pounds to go: 127

Selfishness and vanity, two very easy elements of life. Each one of us is both to a certain degree, and that is not only ok,  it is good. There are times when we need to put ourselves before anyone else, and there is no problem in wanting to look your best! I have done this weight loss journey in the past for me, for vanity, and even before for my kiddos, but this time, I am adding another level of who or what is driving me down this path of weight loss success.

We all know I am a runDisney obsessed mama who is determined to do all of the runDisney races at Walt Disney World. They are fun, they are challenging, and contrary to what others may say, they are worth every penny. So, it is no surprise that when runDisney announced a new challenge during the Wine and Dine race weekend, I was all about it… just take my money runDisney! However, when it was time to register as an annual pass holder, I was left on the sidelines without the secured race bib which I desired. No amount of refreshing my screen or attempts through multiple mobile devices was going to change those evil words…”sold out” . Of course I still had an opportunity to register a week later through general public registration, but I didn’t want to wait. I took it as a sign that for the first time, I should run for something much bigger than myself, or my little family, I should run for a cause!

So I searched through the plethora of charities offering race entry, and I was drawn towards the one that not only struck a personal chord but one that I was already passionate about. It didn’t hurt that my favorite fitness mommy, Jillian Michaels was connected to the cause as well! This year, I will be running as a part of #TeamHealthierGeneration and representing the Alliance for a Healthier Generation in the fight against Childhood Obesity! I couldn’t dream of a better organization for me to represent. I was an obese child, I currently am an obese mother, and when it comes to my children, I will stop at nothing to give them the healthiest lives possible! Children rely on parents and schools to teach them how to be healthy, and right now, 1 in 3 children just aren’t learning the right lessons. If we don’t make a change in what foods are available in schools, how much physical activity children have access to, and the quality of at-home nutrition, then our children will be a part of a generation doomed for disease. The Fat-Free Mommy just can’t let that happen!

Clearly I’m pumped about this opportunity, but one thing just didn’t fit. How can I lead the way towards a healthier tomorrow, if I am not my healthiest self? The Fat-Free Mommy may be many things, but I am NOT a hypocrite! Could you imagine? Hello, I’m Mrs. McObesity, I don’t live by the healthy ideas I promote, but I would love it if you would… yeah, no! So I am putting my money where my mouth is, and for every pound I lose, from now to race weekend, I will donate an additional dollar to My Donor Drive . I believe in this cause, and I believe in myself, which is all I need to succeed. A healthier tomorrow is on the way, one pound and one dollar at a time!

 

XOXO, 

Fat-Free Mommy

Bad Timing and New Obsessions

65050191Week #5

Pounds Lost: 0

Pounds to go: 130

So, I’m pretty sure that committing myself to my healthy eating regime two weeks before my baby turned 5 was probably the worst idea I have ever had. Add that to the fact that she lost not only her first tooth, but her second as well in a weeks time, just compounded my failures in the eating department. Why? Well these are milestones, and the one person I want to share these milestones with more than anyone is the only person I can only have one sided conversations with, and really who knows if they are heard. She lost her first tooth, it was exciting, it was emotional and all I wanted to do was call my Dad. We called all of the other grandparents, and they shared in the excitement and joy over our growing little lady, but one very important person was left out. He would have been the happiest of all, and who knows if he knows it happened or if he is seeing her grow from somewhere beyond our reality. I think I would deal with things better if there was some way to actually communicate with the dead. Not some hoaky thing, and not some lady from New Jersey who can communicate on your  behalf, but an actual way to do it. Like a long distance relationship. You can’t see them, and that can be dealt with, but just to be able to talk… I would truly give anything for that, but not just once because that isn’t enough, I want to do it every Sunday, like we used to!

So my toothless princess turned 5 on Wednesday, and on the inside I am a wreck! She is growing so fast, and although she still snuggles every now and then, and says sweet and loving things, she is still growing and maturing and independenting all the time, yes I know thats not a real word but it sounded good. She is my baby, and all of this growing up stuff is really really hard. The less and less that she needs me, the more and more I want her to, and at the end of the day there really is only one person who I would want advice from on this… and I can’t get it. At the same time, I need to stop being this person who needs him so much. He’s gone. That cannot be changed, and I cannot go into a binging spiral for every developmental milestone of my children. I need to figure out something new! Needless to say, this time, I ate cake and crackers and cheese and cookies and really anything that was within my grasp because that’s how I deal with the things I cannot control. It isn’t ideal or how I want to deal with things, but for now that is how I am wired. The scale of course went in the wrong direction, but that was to be expected.

I consulted with one of my favorite people on the planet, and we got to talking about how we become obsessively involved in things. Both of us have had our struggles with food, it is our addiction. Sometimes we can replace that addiction with online shopping for leggings that we don’t need, or with exercise, both viable alternatives to eating like we are prepping for hibernation, but both equally as unhealthy when taken to extremes. So, what can we focus that addictive energy on that would actually be healthy? We both thought of gardening, but let’s be real, it is Africa hot outside in Florida and I do not have a green  bone in my body so gardening would not be an addiction that would last for more than a minute and a half. Taking up some kind of art came up, but again I have no skill, and where there is no skill there will be no addiction. So, we came to cleaning. Cleaning benefits the entire family, is active in its own way, and I have two kids so there is an endless supply of cleaning activities… this could be perfect! Of course, I won’t be going full on Danny Tanner or anything, I do want my kids to have fun in their own house, but substituting cleaning for binge eating, or obsessively exercising, or online shopping may just be the key to not only my weight loss success, but to coping with the un-controlables of life. Yes, I think this will work, and I am going to give it a try!

So, here’s to a happy new start and just in time for Spring! A clean, happy, and healthy house is just what 2016 ordered!

XOXO, 

Fat-Free Mommy

Toddler Truths

Mother-And-Daughter-Quotes-and-Sayings-12Week: #3

Pounds Lost: 5

Pounds To Go: 125

 

Whew! I made it through an entire week of being on track! Well, maybe not an entire week, there were a couple of moments of weakness, but overall, a much better weeks than the 52 weeks prior! So, what brought on my new found laser focus, you know other than not wanting to be the Fatty McFatMom any more? Well, it all boils down to a little conversation I had with my princess. Not really a heart to heart by any means, and surely not one that will resinate with her, but one that will stick with me… forever.

Last week, while driving to her ballet class, she asked me that question that you never want to hear, no not the birds and the bees, but this one, Mommy, why is your belly so big? Out of nowhere like a Mack truck, one simple question smacked me in the face and changed my outlook entirely. To her I said, because Mommy eats to much. Simple answer, totally thought the conversation would end, but there was one more question… Mommy, why do you eat so much? Well damn, my four year old princess is posing the question that I have been trying to rationalize for my entire life. To her I said, I don’t know but I am going to stop, which ended the conversation, at least the one I was having with her. However, the conversation I would have with myself was just beginning.

Why do I eat so much? Yes,  I am an emotional and stress eater. Yes, I tend to binge when faced with troubling thoughts or conversations. Yes, my body doesn’t really have a full filter until it is painfully full. But really, aren’t those all excuses for just not dealing with issues or being able to put on my big girl panties and cope with life? Food clearly does not solve ANYTHING so why do I do it? I suppose my answer to my princess was the most honest. I don’t know. However, what I do know is that she is now of the age where she recognizes my super sized mid section, and my appearance somehow has an effect on her day, and that is not ok. I have visions of moments from those dramatic movies or shows where the daughter is ashamed of her mother or in some way is bullied because of her mother’s appearance. Again, I am not ok with that! Those visions are more like nightmares, and I will do anything to avoid those types of situations! In the grand scheme of movie moms I would much rather be on the Leigh Anne Touhy side of the spectrum!

Mommyhood is the most rewarding experience for so many reasons. Beyond the snuggles and kisses, are the inspirations and motivations you can find in your children. My princess is helping me become the healthiest version of me, just simply by being her honest and inquisitive self.  So thank you Princess, I love you more than anything in the world, and my love for you is inspiring and creating a new and genuine love for myself.

XOXO, 

Fat-Free Mommy

Fat Princess Will NOT Be Fat Fairy!

dreams2Week: #2

Pounds Lost: 0

Pounds To Go: 130

It’s no shocking news that I participated in this past weekend’s runDisney Princess Half Marathon Races. I completed the 5K, the 10K, and the half marathon over my three day weekend adventure. Were my finish times a source of pride? Not really, but that wasn’t really my goal for the weekend either. My goal was to finish injury free. The truth is, I am acutely aware of my size and what it means in relation to my running. For every 1 pound of weight, a total of 4 pounds of pressure is placed on those ever so necessary knees. So currently, having an extra 130 pounds on my body equates to… wait for it… 520 EXTRA POUNDS OF PRESSURE!!! That’s a reality weight-loss show sized person of pressure! For this past weekend, I was definitely a Fat Princess, still a princess for sure, but a fat one! This weekend was the largest I have ever been for a half marathon, so, I took it slow, and completed each race pain free. Am I sore? Um yeah! Of course I am, but I still played in the Disney parks after each race, and taught Baby Boot Camp this morning, so obviously I am injury free.

Beyond the pressure of my knees, I found myself not wanting to take as many pictures and didn’t feel as royal as I maybe could have. I wouldn’t say I was discouraged, ok maybe I would, but I just don’t like having pictures of myself in this state. However, there were some truly amazing characters along the course, so I had to suck it up like a buttercup and take my Fat Princess pictures. I was accepting of the fact that there was no one else to blame for me being a fat princess except for myself. I ate my royal cake and now it was time to pay for it. Even with the disappointment surrounding my stature, I still had an amazing experience, and found myself looking towards the next Glittery Ovary Explosion of a race weekend that is Tinkerbell Race Weekend in May. During that weekend I will also be doing the 5K, 10K, and half marathon, but this time I will not be a Fat Fairy!

I am determined to make Tinkerbell Race Weekend one of celebration. One of being able to take pictures without being so self-conscious. I will wear the race attire I love and not avoid wearing my favorite tanks because I have too much back fat. I will not be the Fat Fairy who finished races despite the limitations of her size. I will be the Fit Fairy who more so looks the part of the runDisney fanatic, who I most certainly am. Am I expecting to be at my goal weight by May? Yeah, NO! I am not a lunatic! I know that losing that much in that little time is not even remotely possible, nor will I be resorting to any unhealthy behaviors in order to reach a weight loss goal in an unreasonable amount of time. What I will be doing is sticking to my plan. Putting my goals ahead of my excuses, and making sure that every choice I make in regards to food is one that will take me one bit closer to the Fat-Free Mommy I am determined to be, and by Princess  weekend next year, I will be a Fat-Free Princess too!

 

XOXO, 

Fat-Free Mommy