O Christmas Tree

IMG_4974Week: Oh forget about the week!

Pounds Lost: 61.6

Pounds To Go: 106.4

Happy Thanksgiving Weekend Everyone!!! Oh Mylanta, we are in it, we are in the Christmas season and nothing could bring me more joy!!! Well, maybe not nothing, but seriously, I LOVE this time of year!!! Yep, I’m that person who puts on Christmas music as soon as it is on the radio (yeah, that was November 1st), I watch all the Hallmark Channel Christmas movies… more than once, and we decorate our tree before December! We decorated today in fact! Every year we drive to Disney World (only an hour away, it’s not that bad) and plunk down our pennies for new Disney ornaments to put on our tree. Yes we are a Disney family, but that is not entirely why our tree has a Disney theme every year. The why behind it is something that not many people know, but I feel the need to share. You see, weight loss isn’t just about letting go of pounds, it is also about letting go of emotional weight, things that you keep inside for no other reason than it is scary to let it out. It’s scary to own your sadness, to own the not so nice parts, but I promise owning it makes weight loss easier!

Every year, since I was 8 years old, my Dad took me to Disney Wold at the end of the summer. It was our trip. It was no coincidence that this annual trip across the country started the year my parents divorced, but that’s not this story. The trip was always amazing, full of laughter, love, and sunshine. At the end of the trip each year, we would go to the Disney’s Days of Christmas Shoppe and pick out our new tree ornament for the upcoming Christmas. The rule was, to get one, but let’s be real that NEVER actually happened. I always got at least two! Nevertheless, it was our tradition. This tradition carried into adulthood, and even my baby girl got to experience the Christmas Shoppe with Grandpa before her first Christmas. This is why our tree has a Disney theme. Getting a new ornament each year is a tradition many families have I’m sure, but ours must come from Disney World. I hold on tightly to any tradition that has him in it, I have to. I miss him so much every day, and especially at this time of year.

For the first few years after he died, I went a little ornament crazy. Last year I think we got 12 for our family of 4… but this year, for the first year ever, I only got 1. We came home with 4 ornaments, one for each of us! It was a Christmas miracle! No, not really. It’s just because I’m losing emotional weight along with fatty tissue. I may be crying as I write this, but I don’t feel the need to cover my sadness with food or in this case extra ornaments. I am taking the time to feel, to process, and to go on with my day. I have come to respect my sadness as a part of what makes me strong. I don’t have to hide it, or try to get over it, it’s there, but it doesn’t define me. Trying to hide it is what led Madame Scale to new heights in the first place.

So, there you have it, the reason behind our Disney themed Christmas tree. A little more sad than you may have expected, but that’s ok. Besides, isn’t our tree beautiful?? I’ll be over here just staring at it with my kiddos if you need me.

XOXO,

FatFree Mommy

A Treat Without Tricks!

45101469_1925525800858869_8663967901058859008_nWeek: #4ish closer to 5

Pounds Lost: 53.2

Pounds To Go: 112.8

Happy Halloween!!!! Things have been so busy around here with birthdays, football, cheerleading, getting ready for our next race-cation, all of it… but I could NOT let today go by without at least sharing my Keto treat!!! Here it is, it’s called Choc Zero, and I get mine off of good ol’ Amazon! It is Keto friendly and Nutella adjacent, so when a sweet craving tries to kick me off of my healthy wagon, I just have one of these and whammo bammo, good to go!

I have a SERIOUS sweet tooth that is in charge of my emotional eating!! A bad day, in the past, could quite easily result in the devouring of an entire small cake, not even kidding. So, I really have to be careful when it comes to Halloween or any event with candy or really anything with sugar. Except Black Licorice… there will NEVER be a day bad enough to make me turn to Black Licorice!! However, with all other sweets, I just don’t have an “I’m full” or “Just a taste” switch. I will just blindly consume until any emotional pain or anxiety has been replaced by physical pain. A true story that I have lived through more than I would ever care to admit, but this year, I have a plan!!

My plan is two-fold, first I have these choczero bars, which are delicious and satisfying. Second, involves my kids. No, I am not keeping them from Trick-or-Treating just to keep candy out of the house, I’m not a monster!! What I am doing, is helping them make healthier choices too!! Instead of coming home with a bag-o-candy and having whatever they want until they themselves feel ill, they are allowed 1. Yes, 1 piece of candy or treat of their choice! Every day when they come home from school, they can have another. Just 1 treat each day, until it is either gone, or they stop asking for it. We started this last year, and it actually works. By November’s end they actually stop asking, and I just donate the rest. Easy peasy!! They aren’t over-indulging. They aren’t learning bad behaviors with sweets. They aren’t making me crazy with sugar-high behaviors, and bonus, I don’t feel the urge to stuff my face with Almond Joy! Everyone wins!!

So, on this candy centric feasting holiday, make sure you have a plan! Halloween does not have to mean diet death by sugar rush. Whatever you do, I wish you all a very Happy and Safe (maybe even Healthy) Halloween!!!

 

XOXO,

FatFree Mommy

It’s Not All About You, Madame Scale!

44118611_1899446603466789_7438876179781648384_nWeek: #2

Pounds Lost: 50

Pounds To Go: 116

These last 90 days of the year are about so much more than numbers on the scale. Sure, kickstarting my healthy journey and losing weight is a priority and definitely at the forefront of life, but there’s more to it than just eating the right foods and exercising! Wait, what?? There’s more to it?? Ummm yup! Here’s the thing, I can lose weight like it’s nobody’s business. In fact, if there was a way to be a professional weight loser, I’m pretty sure I would have been a CEO, but there has to be something said for the fact that I always put it back on and then some. What wasn’t changing?

Dealing with issues such as my Dad’s death or when I was drowning in stress by being a part of an organization which I didn’t align with from a morality standpoint, are just pieces of a puzzle that when all put together made a sign that said my attitude towards life needed attention. I was so focused on getting things done and working myself to exhaustion to create happiness, that I forgot to just look around me and notice the happy, notice things I was grateful for in any given day. That was, until I started the 90 day challenge on October 1st. Part of the challenge is to write down 10 things that I am grateful for every day, and they have to be specific to that day. Sure, I can sit down and say that I am thankful for my children, for my husband, for a home, for waking up at all, and I AM grateful for all of those things and people, but it had to be something different.

On the first day, I was grateful for a morning hug and kiss from my man cub, typically I ask for them, but this time he just went for it! It was an amazing way to start my day, and that day I actually took the time to recognize my gratitude for that moment. Yesterday, I was grateful for my daughter joining me during a kettle bell workout. I didn’t ask her to do it with me, she just noticed me exercising and wanted to join in. Today I was grateful for our entire family’s ability to NOT get black fabric dye on our kitchen table while making our Halloween costumes. Seriously, a four year old boy was involved and the table came out unscathed, it was a big deal!! You get the point, the gratefulness needs to be specific to that day.  Anyhow, by knowing that your goal is to write 10 things that you are grateful for in your day,  throughout your day you will be looking at life through eyes of gratitude.

OH MYLANTA, has that been a stress reliever! I’m not trying to say that I am somehow stress-free or that stressful situations or negative situations don’t happen. Hi, I have two children with two very different schedules… stress happens! What I am saying, is that when I go to bed, I’m recalling what I am grateful for instead of making to-do lists or worrying about what I didn’t get done. Then magic happens… I actually sleep! I sleep and I wake up rested, ready for the day! I am more focused in general which allows me to stay on track food wise. My muscles are actually rested, and ready for their next workout. Everything changes! It’s no secret that decreased stress and better sleep can result in more effective weight loss, everything is connected. There are literally hundreds of studies on the relationships between stress, sleep, and weight loss. Human bodies are complex and reactionary. If we don’t take the time to acknowledge that there is something more to being healthy than diet and exercise, then we are doing ourselves a disservice. We aren’t really transforming. We are just momentarily changing the path of the rollercoaster.

Sorry Madame Scale, this time it’s not all about you! My transformation adventure is a total transformation, and life is so much better for it. I believe in my heart that this time is truly different, because I am looking at life differently.  I, like a bazillion other women my age, have read Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis, and it has helped me change my outlook tremendously. In it, she says, You must choose to be happy, grateful, and fulfilled. If you  make that choice every single day, regardless of where you are or what’s happening, you will be happy. She’s so right!!! So, here’s to making that choice every single day! Looking at life through gratitude instead of stress and worry, and coming out the other side in a better state of mind, and with a healthier body too!

XOXO,

FatFree Mommy

Hatred of Tuesday

26983_1339420858498_5229929_nWeek: #3

Pounds Lost: 18

Pounds To Go: 190

This week, Madame Scale was a reflection of the rollercoaster of emotions and stress leading up to Tuesday… November 14th… a date that I really hate has meaning at all. I hate November 14th, and although I am certain that many amazing people may have birthdays or anniversaries or events of Joy on this day, November 14th is the date that houses my deepest pain. I wish it didn’t exist. I dread this day all year long, and we have basically arrived.

On November 14th, just 3 short years ago, I lost someone so special, so amazing, so generous, so selfless… I lost my Dad, and with him a piece of me. I wasn’t ready for him to go then, and to be honest, I’m still not ready for him to be gone. I go through amazing life events, like my little princess dancing and cheerleading, and I see pieces of me in her, pieces that HE would have recognized. I see me in my little prince, in his love for Christmas and music and movement, and in those things I also see HIM. He is all around us. He is in random owls that I see in broad daylight. He is in my prince’s love for all things chocolate. I have to believe that… I have to… because the alternative… the fact that besides a small jar  of ash, he is gone… is crippling.  I cry, I close my eyes, and I can see his hands, every time. That vision never really makes things better, although maybe someday it will. However, until that day, I will spend November 14th reading my own raw account of the day that he died in my arms…

THE GREATEST LOSS

This week I am going to take a break from writing about the usual weight-loss and mommyhood topics, although as a side note I am back on the healthy eating wagon and have already lost 8 pounds! Even with that success, I need to take a moment to get more personal. To use this little online diary as a way to cope and shuffle myself through the process of grief. Because this week I lost much more than any number on the scale. This week, and to be specific, at 3:53pm on Friday, I lost my Dad.

My Dad, was in short, the most wonderful man on the planet. As a boy he grew up in an orphanage, only to emerge with a positive spirit into his first foster home at 16. He excelled in sports through college, and was adored as a teacher throughout his career, but what he was most amazing at was being a father. He raised me on his own, certainly not small undertaking by any means, and we functioned as a pair. Just me and him, for the majority of my life, and that is something I wouldn’t trade for anything.

Almost eight years ago, we got the news, the news that limited time. Stage 3 colon cancer had been detected and there was no telling how much time we had left, but we knew all of it would be borrowed. Well, he fought harder than anyone so he could see my dreams come true. He made sure to dance with me at my wedding, and to see me become a mother. And for a short time, my princess was the dancing spirit he needed to fight just a little bit harder. A few months back he had yet another round of radiation to try and rid his body of the disease that would never be cured, but this time he never got to feel better. The relief wasn’t coming, so somehow he had to know it was time.

Late Wednesday evening, I got the call, the call I had been dreading for so long, the call letting me know that the end was very near. He had entered into hospice home care and had rapidly declined. I needed to be with him. So, first thing in the morning I packed up the kids and we went to his bedside. His body was there, but it had already visibly changed so much since the time we saw him last, just over a month prior. His face and eyes were starting to sink and there was a gurgle with each breath he took. Looking around the room he was in, there were pictures, of only one person, my princess, and they were everywhere. He opened his eyes and smiled when we walked in the room. It was a little much for my royals to handle so I made it quick and told him how much I loved him multiple times, much like a broken record. In a weakened voice he struggled and forced out an I love you too, then began to cough. The nurse came in, helped to soothe, and after a while we were on our way with the promise of tomorrow’s return. That night, I didn’t sleep, I lay awake staring at my phone, mortified at the thought of it ringing. Friday morning finally came, and in the afternoon I rushed to be back at his side, just me this time.

I got there and he had declined. I said my hello and my I love you and went to get the brief from the nurse. The phrase he’s in a stage of actively dying hit me like a freight train. I wasn’t ready to not need him. I wasn’t ready to let him go. But I knew that I needed to tell him I would be ok. After another visitor left his room, I rushed in. I still had things he needed to hear. So, I held his hand and I played him a video of my princess telling him how much she loved him, and I heard his gurgled breath. Then I said I love you so much, and we are going to be ok, it’s ok for you to go. One more gurgled breath, and then… Silence. He was gone. I waited there still holding back the tears, holding his hand, just the two of us, and still telling him how much I loved him. Then I walked out to tell the others that he had gone. His wife went in, the nurse came back, and he was officially pronounced. I helped the nurse give him his final sponge bath along with his wife, her on one side and me on the other. Helping him to leave this earth in the best way possible. Then all we had to do was wait for the funeral/cremation folks to collect his body.

They were about two hours from arrival, so after talking with the social worker about grief, I went to do what I instinctively needed to do. I went back into his room and sat by his bedside, holding his hand, just the two of us, until the man came to take him away. I gave him his very last I love you, Daddy , a kiss on the forehead, and then he was on his way. I left shortly after because my relationship with my step-mother is only slightly better than those in fairy tales, so there was no reason to stay.

I now go in cycles of strength, to complete breakdown drowning in tears, to numb. By some magical power, I have not turned to food but to exercise, but even that only gives a brief escape from the cycle. I see those last few moments with him every time I close my eyes. I started out in this world in his arms, and he left this world in mine. It was just as it should be, regardless of how sad it was. I am selfishly devastated, but I know he is in a better place. A place of peace where there is no pain, no pills to take, or port to clean. I know that eventually, I will close my eyes and his last breath won’t be there. I know, that eventually, I will get used to the pain of him being gone. I know that I will see him in moments, and feel his presence , and that he will somehow still be watching out for me. But… For now… I’m lost without him. I am crushed, pieces of me are missing, and I am doing what I can to slowly piece myself back together.

Next week will be a new week, filled with hope. But, for right now, and for Tuesday, I am going to cry it out.

XOXO,

FatFree Mommy

Are they getting the BEST of you? OR only what is LEFT of you?

 

IMG_0246

Week: #1

 

Pounds Lost: 15

Pounds To Go: 193

 

Well, here we are… the beginning… again… I feel like somewhat of a fraud since starting this journey 5 years ago… but… that changes… NOW! It’s time to head down a true path of health and healing that will lead to a true life change, and it all started with this simple, to be honest tear jerking, question… “Are they getting the best of you? Or just what’s left of you?” Oh man, just typing those words I get choked up, because the truth is, my family, my friends, anyone who I come into contact with really, was only getting what was left.

 

Much has changed since my last entry to this little online diary of mine. I now run a business or two, have two thriving kiddos, and have put back on every single pound that I had lost. All of those words of being the last time as a Fattty McFatMom were, well, excuse my language, bullshit. I’m sorry, but there really is no other word for it. I had the absolute best of intentions in losing weight and keeping it off, but when the times got rough and truly devastatingly rough, I went down a spiral that I could not be rescued from. The truth is, I had to rescue myself. It took hearing that question to really make me realize that I was cheating myself, and everyone around me, out of … me! I was tired ALL THE TIME. Literally, I would be ready for a nap within an hour or two of even waking up. I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to play. I just didn’t. It was more than being lazy, it was an active choice to not be present, to not be a true part of  my own life. That’s not fair. Not to me, not to my little royals, not to anyone.

So, there I was, at my worst physically, mentally, emotionally, all the ___allys really, and I  heard that question “Are they getting the best of you or just what is left of you?”  At that point, all I could do was cry because they were just getting what was left, and that really wasn’t much at all. Change was needed.

Here we will start, at the beginning. A new program,  a new life changing path ahead, and a new focus. I have even created an accountability Facebook Group!!! Oh you know it’s real when a Facebook Group has been created!! That’s right, it’s go time!!! Already, I feel more present, more able, and more determined to give my best instead of just what is left. I am excited to be on this new journey! I’m back!

 

XOXO,

FatFree Mommy

End of an Era

do-not-cry_zpsc1b34978

~Dr. Seuss

Week: #11

Pounds Lost: 9

Pounds To Go: 121

Another week, another pound left on the pavement! This week was hard. Not so much in the eating or exercising department, but emotionally, it was just plain hard. This week marked the end of my time at Baby Boot Camp, and all of the sappy friendship and good bye songs were the soundtrack of the past few days. Mothers need support, and when that support comes in the form of strong women who have a passion for fitness, well… that type of support just can’t be beat.

When we moved back to Florida, just four years ago, I set out to be one of those moms who did activities with my daughter. I would show her what it was like to have a healthy, hands-on mom. Baby Boot Camp was the perfect marriage of fitness and time with your child. You work out in front of your child, you engage your child in the workout through song, and sometimes tickles, it is an amazing program to be a part of, to grow with, and lastly to teach. I was a part of healthy changes in the lives of many. I got to share in stories of success and struggle, and together we pushed through it all. We were bonded by sweat and sweet laughter, and I couldn’t ask for a better mommyhood experience. These were the women I called when I reached my goal weight and went shopping as a skinny girl for the first time. These were the women who I coached back to healthier mommy bodies. These were the babies who I would help soothe and who would go home and do squats as toddlers. Most of all, these were the women who got me out of bed when my world was crumbling. I’m sobbing even as I write this, because a part of me will never be ready to let that kind of love and support go. But… the reality is, living an hour away from where we celebrated health every Monday and Wednesday was just too much. The commute was stressful, and although the workouts were still great, and the women were still wonderful, it was different because I didn’t get to participate in all of the after-workout opportunities to strengthen my village. So, the decision was made in mid-March that April would be my last month of teaching, and time just flew by too fast.

All of a sudden, there we were celebrating my last week of teaching Baby Boot Camp. Old cherished friends came to those final workouts, faces that I haven’t seen in a long time, and my heart was filled with so much love, that it was literally coming out my eyeballs. I made it a point to give it all I had as an instructor for those last two classes. Being able to teach and coach again was a gift, and I wasn’t about to leave without giving everything of me back to the women who helped shape my mommyhood journey thus far. I know my relationships with these strong mamas will continue in a different way, but I also know that these past four years have been filled with some of the best memories of my life, and for that I will forever be in debt to the mommies of Baby Boot Camp.

Mommyhood is a journey, and one that should never be walked alone. We need our village to help us along the way, and whether that village is made up of family, or friends who feel like family, or, if you’re lucky, a combination, each village is special, necessary, and cherished. This Fat-Free Mommy was truly blessed to be welcomed into the fold of the Baby Boot Camp village. Now, as my mommyhood adventures continue on a different path, I know I am strong enough to take on this change of life, even though it may be making me scared and sad in this moment. I am blessed because my village spans more than just my street corner. I have strong mamas I can turn to around the world, and I wouldn’t have it any other way!

XOXO, 

Fat-Free Mommy

Bigger Than Myself

Screen Shot 2016-03-31 at 11.46.55 AMWeek: #7

Pounds Lost: 3

Pounds to go: 127

Selfishness and vanity, two very easy elements of life. Each one of us is both to a certain degree, and that is not only ok,  it is good. There are times when we need to put ourselves before anyone else, and there is no problem in wanting to look your best! I have done this weight loss journey in the past for me, for vanity, and even before for my kiddos, but this time, I am adding another level of who or what is driving me down this path of weight loss success.

We all know I am a runDisney obsessed mama who is determined to do all of the runDisney races at Walt Disney World. They are fun, they are challenging, and contrary to what others may say, they are worth every penny. So, it is no surprise that when runDisney announced a new challenge during the Wine and Dine race weekend, I was all about it… just take my money runDisney! However, when it was time to register as an annual pass holder, I was left on the sidelines without the secured race bib which I desired. No amount of refreshing my screen or attempts through multiple mobile devices was going to change those evil words…”sold out” . Of course I still had an opportunity to register a week later through general public registration, but I didn’t want to wait. I took it as a sign that for the first time, I should run for something much bigger than myself, or my little family, I should run for a cause!

So I searched through the plethora of charities offering race entry, and I was drawn towards the one that not only struck a personal chord but one that I was already passionate about. It didn’t hurt that my favorite fitness mommy, Jillian Michaels was connected to the cause as well! This year, I will be running as a part of #TeamHealthierGeneration and representing the Alliance for a Healthier Generation in the fight against Childhood Obesity! I couldn’t dream of a better organization for me to represent. I was an obese child, I currently am an obese mother, and when it comes to my children, I will stop at nothing to give them the healthiest lives possible! Children rely on parents and schools to teach them how to be healthy, and right now, 1 in 3 children just aren’t learning the right lessons. If we don’t make a change in what foods are available in schools, how much physical activity children have access to, and the quality of at-home nutrition, then our children will be a part of a generation doomed for disease. The Fat-Free Mommy just can’t let that happen!

Clearly I’m pumped about this opportunity, but one thing just didn’t fit. How can I lead the way towards a healthier tomorrow, if I am not my healthiest self? The Fat-Free Mommy may be many things, but I am NOT a hypocrite! Could you imagine? Hello, I’m Mrs. McObesity, I don’t live by the healthy ideas I promote, but I would love it if you would… yeah, no! So I am putting my money where my mouth is, and for every pound I lose, from now to race weekend, I will donate an additional dollar to My Donor Drive . I believe in this cause, and I believe in myself, which is all I need to succeed. A healthier tomorrow is on the way, one pound and one dollar at a time!

 

XOXO, 

Fat-Free Mommy

Bad Timing and New Obsessions

65050191Week #5

Pounds Lost: 0

Pounds to go: 130

So, I’m pretty sure that committing myself to my healthy eating regime two weeks before my baby turned 5 was probably the worst idea I have ever had. Add that to the fact that she lost not only her first tooth, but her second as well in a weeks time, just compounded my failures in the eating department. Why? Well these are milestones, and the one person I want to share these milestones with more than anyone is the only person I can only have one sided conversations with, and really who knows if they are heard. She lost her first tooth, it was exciting, it was emotional and all I wanted to do was call my Dad. We called all of the other grandparents, and they shared in the excitement and joy over our growing little lady, but one very important person was left out. He would have been the happiest of all, and who knows if he knows it happened or if he is seeing her grow from somewhere beyond our reality. I think I would deal with things better if there was some way to actually communicate with the dead. Not some hoaky thing, and not some lady from New Jersey who can communicate on your  behalf, but an actual way to do it. Like a long distance relationship. You can’t see them, and that can be dealt with, but just to be able to talk… I would truly give anything for that, but not just once because that isn’t enough, I want to do it every Sunday, like we used to!

So my toothless princess turned 5 on Wednesday, and on the inside I am a wreck! She is growing so fast, and although she still snuggles every now and then, and says sweet and loving things, she is still growing and maturing and independenting all the time, yes I know thats not a real word but it sounded good. She is my baby, and all of this growing up stuff is really really hard. The less and less that she needs me, the more and more I want her to, and at the end of the day there really is only one person who I would want advice from on this… and I can’t get it. At the same time, I need to stop being this person who needs him so much. He’s gone. That cannot be changed, and I cannot go into a binging spiral for every developmental milestone of my children. I need to figure out something new! Needless to say, this time, I ate cake and crackers and cheese and cookies and really anything that was within my grasp because that’s how I deal with the things I cannot control. It isn’t ideal or how I want to deal with things, but for now that is how I am wired. The scale of course went in the wrong direction, but that was to be expected.

I consulted with one of my favorite people on the planet, and we got to talking about how we become obsessively involved in things. Both of us have had our struggles with food, it is our addiction. Sometimes we can replace that addiction with online shopping for leggings that we don’t need, or with exercise, both viable alternatives to eating like we are prepping for hibernation, but both equally as unhealthy when taken to extremes. So, what can we focus that addictive energy on that would actually be healthy? We both thought of gardening, but let’s be real, it is Africa hot outside in Florida and I do not have a green  bone in my body so gardening would not be an addiction that would last for more than a minute and a half. Taking up some kind of art came up, but again I have no skill, and where there is no skill there will be no addiction. So, we came to cleaning. Cleaning benefits the entire family, is active in its own way, and I have two kids so there is an endless supply of cleaning activities… this could be perfect! Of course, I won’t be going full on Danny Tanner or anything, I do want my kids to have fun in their own house, but substituting cleaning for binge eating, or obsessively exercising, or online shopping may just be the key to not only my weight loss success, but to coping with the un-controlables of life. Yes, I think this will work, and I am going to give it a try!

So, here’s to a happy new start and just in time for Spring! A clean, happy, and healthy house is just what 2016 ordered!

XOXO, 

Fat-Free Mommy

Toddler Truths

Mother-And-Daughter-Quotes-and-Sayings-12Week: #3

Pounds Lost: 5

Pounds To Go: 125

 

Whew! I made it through an entire week of being on track! Well, maybe not an entire week, there were a couple of moments of weakness, but overall, a much better weeks than the 52 weeks prior! So, what brought on my new found laser focus, you know other than not wanting to be the Fatty McFatMom any more? Well, it all boils down to a little conversation I had with my princess. Not really a heart to heart by any means, and surely not one that will resinate with her, but one that will stick with me… forever.

Last week, while driving to her ballet class, she asked me that question that you never want to hear, no not the birds and the bees, but this one, Mommy, why is your belly so big? Out of nowhere like a Mack truck, one simple question smacked me in the face and changed my outlook entirely. To her I said, because Mommy eats to much. Simple answer, totally thought the conversation would end, but there was one more question… Mommy, why do you eat so much? Well damn, my four year old princess is posing the question that I have been trying to rationalize for my entire life. To her I said, I don’t know but I am going to stop, which ended the conversation, at least the one I was having with her. However, the conversation I would have with myself was just beginning.

Why do I eat so much? Yes,  I am an emotional and stress eater. Yes, I tend to binge when faced with troubling thoughts or conversations. Yes, my body doesn’t really have a full filter until it is painfully full. But really, aren’t those all excuses for just not dealing with issues or being able to put on my big girl panties and cope with life? Food clearly does not solve ANYTHING so why do I do it? I suppose my answer to my princess was the most honest. I don’t know. However, what I do know is that she is now of the age where she recognizes my super sized mid section, and my appearance somehow has an effect on her day, and that is not ok. I have visions of moments from those dramatic movies or shows where the daughter is ashamed of her mother or in some way is bullied because of her mother’s appearance. Again, I am not ok with that! Those visions are more like nightmares, and I will do anything to avoid those types of situations! In the grand scheme of movie moms I would much rather be on the Leigh Anne Touhy side of the spectrum!

Mommyhood is the most rewarding experience for so many reasons. Beyond the snuggles and kisses, are the inspirations and motivations you can find in your children. My princess is helping me become the healthiest version of me, just simply by being her honest and inquisitive self.  So thank you Princess, I love you more than anything in the world, and my love for you is inspiring and creating a new and genuine love for myself.

XOXO, 

Fat-Free Mommy