Hatred of Tuesday

26983_1339420858498_5229929_nWeek: #3

Pounds Lost: 18

Pounds To Go: 190

This week, Madame Scale was a reflection of the rollercoaster of emotions and stress leading up to Tuesday… November 14th… a date that I really hate has meaning at all. I hate November 14th, and although I am certain that many amazing people may have birthdays or anniversaries or events of Joy on this day, November 14th is the date that houses my deepest pain. I wish it didn’t exist. I dread this day all year long, and we have basically arrived.

On November 14th, just 3 short years ago, I lost someone so special, so amazing, so generous, so selfless… I lost my Dad, and with him a piece of me. I wasn’t ready for him to go then, and to be honest, I’m still not ready for him to be gone. I go through amazing life events, like my little princess dancing and cheerleading, and I see pieces of me in her, pieces that HE would have recognized. I see me in my little prince, in his love for Christmas and music and movement, and in those things I also see HIM. He is all around us. He is in random owls that I see in broad daylight. He is in my prince’s love for all things chocolate. I have to believe that… I have to… because the alternative… the fact that besides a small jar  of ash, he is gone… is crippling.  I cry, I close my eyes, and I can see his hands, every time. That vision never really makes things better, although maybe someday it will. However, until that day, I will spend November 14th reading my own raw account of the day that he died in my arms…

THE GREATEST LOSS

This week I am going to take a break from writing about the usual weight-loss and mommyhood topics, although as a side note I am back on the healthy eating wagon and have already lost 8 pounds! Even with that success, I need to take a moment to get more personal. To use this little online diary as a way to cope and shuffle myself through the process of grief. Because this week I lost much more than any number on the scale. This week, and to be specific, at 3:53pm on Friday, I lost my Dad.

My Dad, was in short, the most wonderful man on the planet. As a boy he grew up in an orphanage, only to emerge with a positive spirit into his first foster home at 16. He excelled in sports through college, and was adored as a teacher throughout his career, but what he was most amazing at was being a father. He raised me on his own, certainly not small undertaking by any means, and we functioned as a pair. Just me and him, for the majority of my life, and that is something I wouldn’t trade for anything.

Almost eight years ago, we got the news, the news that limited time. Stage 3 colon cancer had been detected and there was no telling how much time we had left, but we knew all of it would be borrowed. Well, he fought harder than anyone so he could see my dreams come true. He made sure to dance with me at my wedding, and to see me become a mother. And for a short time, my princess was the dancing spirit he needed to fight just a little bit harder. A few months back he had yet another round of radiation to try and rid his body of the disease that would never be cured, but this time he never got to feel better. The relief wasn’t coming, so somehow he had to know it was time.

Late Wednesday evening, I got the call, the call I had been dreading for so long, the call letting me know that the end was very near. He had entered into hospice home care and had rapidly declined. I needed to be with him. So, first thing in the morning I packed up the kids and we went to his bedside. His body was there, but it had already visibly changed so much since the time we saw him last, just over a month prior. His face and eyes were starting to sink and there was a gurgle with each breath he took. Looking around the room he was in, there were pictures, of only one person, my princess, and they were everywhere. He opened his eyes and smiled when we walked in the room. It was a little much for my royals to handle so I made it quick and told him how much I loved him multiple times, much like a broken record. In a weakened voice he struggled and forced out an I love you too, then began to cough. The nurse came in, helped to soothe, and after a while we were on our way with the promise of tomorrow’s return. That night, I didn’t sleep, I lay awake staring at my phone, mortified at the thought of it ringing. Friday morning finally came, and in the afternoon I rushed to be back at his side, just me this time.

I got there and he had declined. I said my hello and my I love you and went to get the brief from the nurse. The phrase he’s in a stage of actively dying hit me like a freight train. I wasn’t ready to not need him. I wasn’t ready to let him go. But I knew that I needed to tell him I would be ok. After another visitor left his room, I rushed in. I still had things he needed to hear. So, I held his hand and I played him a video of my princess telling him how much she loved him, and I heard his gurgled breath. Then I said I love you so much, and we are going to be ok, it’s ok for you to go. One more gurgled breath, and then… Silence. He was gone. I waited there still holding back the tears, holding his hand, just the two of us, and still telling him how much I loved him. Then I walked out to tell the others that he had gone. His wife went in, the nurse came back, and he was officially pronounced. I helped the nurse give him his final sponge bath along with his wife, her on one side and me on the other. Helping him to leave this earth in the best way possible. Then all we had to do was wait for the funeral/cremation folks to collect his body.

They were about two hours from arrival, so after talking with the social worker about grief, I went to do what I instinctively needed to do. I went back into his room and sat by his bedside, holding his hand, just the two of us, until the man came to take him away. I gave him his very last I love you, Daddy , a kiss on the forehead, and then he was on his way. I left shortly after because my relationship with my step-mother is only slightly better than those in fairy tales, so there was no reason to stay.

I now go in cycles of strength, to complete breakdown drowning in tears, to numb. By some magical power, I have not turned to food but to exercise, but even that only gives a brief escape from the cycle. I see those last few moments with him every time I close my eyes. I started out in this world in his arms, and he left this world in mine. It was just as it should be, regardless of how sad it was. I am selfishly devastated, but I know he is in a better place. A place of peace where there is no pain, no pills to take, or port to clean. I know that eventually, I will close my eyes and his last breath won’t be there. I know, that eventually, I will get used to the pain of him being gone. I know that I will see him in moments, and feel his presence , and that he will somehow still be watching out for me. But… For now… I’m lost without him. I am crushed, pieces of me are missing, and I am doing what I can to slowly piece myself back together.

Next week will be a new week, filled with hope. But, for right now, and for Tuesday, I am going to cry it out.

XOXO,

FatFree Mommy

End of an Era

do-not-cry_zpsc1b34978

~Dr. Seuss

Week: #11

Pounds Lost: 9

Pounds To Go: 121

Another week, another pound left on the pavement! This week was hard. Not so much in the eating or exercising department, but emotionally, it was just plain hard. This week marked the end of my time at Baby Boot Camp, and all of the sappy friendship and good bye songs were the soundtrack of the past few days. Mothers need support, and when that support comes in the form of strong women who have a passion for fitness, well… that type of support just can’t be beat.

When we moved back to Florida, just four years ago, I set out to be one of those moms who did activities with my daughter. I would show her what it was like to have a healthy, hands-on mom. Baby Boot Camp was the perfect marriage of fitness and time with your child. You work out in front of your child, you engage your child in the workout through song, and sometimes tickles, it is an amazing program to be a part of, to grow with, and lastly to teach. I was a part of healthy changes in the lives of many. I got to share in stories of success and struggle, and together we pushed through it all. We were bonded by sweat and sweet laughter, and I couldn’t ask for a better mommyhood experience. These were the women I called when I reached my goal weight and went shopping as a skinny girl for the first time. These were the women who I coached back to healthier mommy bodies. These were the babies who I would help soothe and who would go home and do squats as toddlers. Most of all, these were the women who got me out of bed when my world was crumbling. I’m sobbing even as I write this, because a part of me will never be ready to let that kind of love and support go. But… the reality is, living an hour away from where we celebrated health every Monday and Wednesday was just too much. The commute was stressful, and although the workouts were still great, and the women were still wonderful, it was different because I didn’t get to participate in all of the after-workout opportunities to strengthen my village. So, the decision was made in mid-March that April would be my last month of teaching, and time just flew by too fast.

All of a sudden, there we were celebrating my last week of teaching Baby Boot Camp. Old cherished friends came to those final workouts, faces that I haven’t seen in a long time, and my heart was filled with so much love, that it was literally coming out my eyeballs. I made it a point to give it all I had as an instructor for those last two classes. Being able to teach and coach again was a gift, and I wasn’t about to leave without giving everything of me back to the women who helped shape my mommyhood journey thus far. I know my relationships with these strong mamas will continue in a different way, but I also know that these past four years have been filled with some of the best memories of my life, and for that I will forever be in debt to the mommies of Baby Boot Camp.

Mommyhood is a journey, and one that should never be walked alone. We need our village to help us along the way, and whether that village is made up of family, or friends who feel like family, or, if you’re lucky, a combination, each village is special, necessary, and cherished. This Fat-Free Mommy was truly blessed to be welcomed into the fold of the Baby Boot Camp village. Now, as my mommyhood adventures continue on a different path, I know I am strong enough to take on this change of life, even though it may be making me scared and sad in this moment. I am blessed because my village spans more than just my street corner. I have strong mamas I can turn to around the world, and I wouldn’t have it any other way!

XOXO, 

Fat-Free Mommy

Bigger Than Myself

Screen Shot 2016-03-31 at 11.46.55 AMWeek: #7

Pounds Lost: 3

Pounds to go: 127

Selfishness and vanity, two very easy elements of life. Each one of us is both to a certain degree, and that is not only ok,  it is good. There are times when we need to put ourselves before anyone else, and there is no problem in wanting to look your best! I have done this weight loss journey in the past for me, for vanity, and even before for my kiddos, but this time, I am adding another level of who or what is driving me down this path of weight loss success.

We all know I am a runDisney obsessed mama who is determined to do all of the runDisney races at Walt Disney World. They are fun, they are challenging, and contrary to what others may say, they are worth every penny. So, it is no surprise that when runDisney announced a new challenge during the Wine and Dine race weekend, I was all about it… just take my money runDisney! However, when it was time to register as an annual pass holder, I was left on the sidelines without the secured race bib which I desired. No amount of refreshing my screen or attempts through multiple mobile devices was going to change those evil words…”sold out” . Of course I still had an opportunity to register a week later through general public registration, but I didn’t want to wait. I took it as a sign that for the first time, I should run for something much bigger than myself, or my little family, I should run for a cause!

So I searched through the plethora of charities offering race entry, and I was drawn towards the one that not only struck a personal chord but one that I was already passionate about. It didn’t hurt that my favorite fitness mommy, Jillian Michaels was connected to the cause as well! This year, I will be running as a part of #TeamHealthierGeneration and representing the Alliance for a Healthier Generation in the fight against Childhood Obesity! I couldn’t dream of a better organization for me to represent. I was an obese child, I currently am an obese mother, and when it comes to my children, I will stop at nothing to give them the healthiest lives possible! Children rely on parents and schools to teach them how to be healthy, and right now, 1 in 3 children just aren’t learning the right lessons. If we don’t make a change in what foods are available in schools, how much physical activity children have access to, and the quality of at-home nutrition, then our children will be a part of a generation doomed for disease. The Fat-Free Mommy just can’t let that happen!

Clearly I’m pumped about this opportunity, but one thing just didn’t fit. How can I lead the way towards a healthier tomorrow, if I am not my healthiest self? The Fat-Free Mommy may be many things, but I am NOT a hypocrite! Could you imagine? Hello, I’m Mrs. McObesity, I don’t live by the healthy ideas I promote, but I would love it if you would… yeah, no! So I am putting my money where my mouth is, and for every pound I lose, from now to race weekend, I will donate an additional dollar to My Donor Drive . I believe in this cause, and I believe in myself, which is all I need to succeed. A healthier tomorrow is on the way, one pound and one dollar at a time!

 

XOXO, 

Fat-Free Mommy

Bad Timing and New Obsessions

65050191Week #5

Pounds Lost: 0

Pounds to go: 130

So, I’m pretty sure that committing myself to my healthy eating regime two weeks before my baby turned 5 was probably the worst idea I have ever had. Add that to the fact that she lost not only her first tooth, but her second as well in a weeks time, just compounded my failures in the eating department. Why? Well these are milestones, and the one person I want to share these milestones with more than anyone is the only person I can only have one sided conversations with, and really who knows if they are heard. She lost her first tooth, it was exciting, it was emotional and all I wanted to do was call my Dad. We called all of the other grandparents, and they shared in the excitement and joy over our growing little lady, but one very important person was left out. He would have been the happiest of all, and who knows if he knows it happened or if he is seeing her grow from somewhere beyond our reality. I think I would deal with things better if there was some way to actually communicate with the dead. Not some hoaky thing, and not some lady from New Jersey who can communicate on your  behalf, but an actual way to do it. Like a long distance relationship. You can’t see them, and that can be dealt with, but just to be able to talk… I would truly give anything for that, but not just once because that isn’t enough, I want to do it every Sunday, like we used to!

So my toothless princess turned 5 on Wednesday, and on the inside I am a wreck! She is growing so fast, and although she still snuggles every now and then, and says sweet and loving things, she is still growing and maturing and independenting all the time, yes I know thats not a real word but it sounded good. She is my baby, and all of this growing up stuff is really really hard. The less and less that she needs me, the more and more I want her to, and at the end of the day there really is only one person who I would want advice from on this… and I can’t get it. At the same time, I need to stop being this person who needs him so much. He’s gone. That cannot be changed, and I cannot go into a binging spiral for every developmental milestone of my children. I need to figure out something new! Needless to say, this time, I ate cake and crackers and cheese and cookies and really anything that was within my grasp because that’s how I deal with the things I cannot control. It isn’t ideal or how I want to deal with things, but for now that is how I am wired. The scale of course went in the wrong direction, but that was to be expected.

I consulted with one of my favorite people on the planet, and we got to talking about how we become obsessively involved in things. Both of us have had our struggles with food, it is our addiction. Sometimes we can replace that addiction with online shopping for leggings that we don’t need, or with exercise, both viable alternatives to eating like we are prepping for hibernation, but both equally as unhealthy when taken to extremes. So, what can we focus that addictive energy on that would actually be healthy? We both thought of gardening, but let’s be real, it is Africa hot outside in Florida and I do not have a green  bone in my body so gardening would not be an addiction that would last for more than a minute and a half. Taking up some kind of art came up, but again I have no skill, and where there is no skill there will be no addiction. So, we came to cleaning. Cleaning benefits the entire family, is active in its own way, and I have two kids so there is an endless supply of cleaning activities… this could be perfect! Of course, I won’t be going full on Danny Tanner or anything, I do want my kids to have fun in their own house, but substituting cleaning for binge eating, or obsessively exercising, or online shopping may just be the key to not only my weight loss success, but to coping with the un-controlables of life. Yes, I think this will work, and I am going to give it a try!

So, here’s to a happy new start and just in time for Spring! A clean, happy, and healthy house is just what 2016 ordered!

XOXO, 

Fat-Free Mommy

Toddler Truths

Mother-And-Daughter-Quotes-and-Sayings-12Week: #3

Pounds Lost: 5

Pounds To Go: 125

 

Whew! I made it through an entire week of being on track! Well, maybe not an entire week, there were a couple of moments of weakness, but overall, a much better weeks than the 52 weeks prior! So, what brought on my new found laser focus, you know other than not wanting to be the Fatty McFatMom any more? Well, it all boils down to a little conversation I had with my princess. Not really a heart to heart by any means, and surely not one that will resinate with her, but one that will stick with me… forever.

Last week, while driving to her ballet class, she asked me that question that you never want to hear, no not the birds and the bees, but this one, Mommy, why is your belly so big? Out of nowhere like a Mack truck, one simple question smacked me in the face and changed my outlook entirely. To her I said, because Mommy eats to much. Simple answer, totally thought the conversation would end, but there was one more question… Mommy, why do you eat so much? Well damn, my four year old princess is posing the question that I have been trying to rationalize for my entire life. To her I said, I don’t know but I am going to stop, which ended the conversation, at least the one I was having with her. However, the conversation I would have with myself was just beginning.

Why do I eat so much? Yes,  I am an emotional and stress eater. Yes, I tend to binge when faced with troubling thoughts or conversations. Yes, my body doesn’t really have a full filter until it is painfully full. But really, aren’t those all excuses for just not dealing with issues or being able to put on my big girl panties and cope with life? Food clearly does not solve ANYTHING so why do I do it? I suppose my answer to my princess was the most honest. I don’t know. However, what I do know is that she is now of the age where she recognizes my super sized mid section, and my appearance somehow has an effect on her day, and that is not ok. I have visions of moments from those dramatic movies or shows where the daughter is ashamed of her mother or in some way is bullied because of her mother’s appearance. Again, I am not ok with that! Those visions are more like nightmares, and I will do anything to avoid those types of situations! In the grand scheme of movie moms I would much rather be on the Leigh Anne Touhy side of the spectrum!

Mommyhood is the most rewarding experience for so many reasons. Beyond the snuggles and kisses, are the inspirations and motivations you can find in your children. My princess is helping me become the healthiest version of me, just simply by being her honest and inquisitive self.  So thank you Princess, I love you more than anything in the world, and my love for you is inspiring and creating a new and genuine love for myself.

XOXO, 

Fat-Free Mommy

My Bunnies Don’t Eat Candy

poop jelly beansWeek: #3

Pounds Lost This Week: 0

Total Lost: 16.4

Pounds to go to Goal #1: 8.0

Pounds to go Overall: 105.0

Happiest of Easter/Passover/Sunday to you all! I hope this day is bringing happiness and love to you in whatever celebration you choose, because really, that’s what holidays are supposed to be about, right? I mean aside from the different religious meanings and traditions, at the core of it all is family and love, isn’t it? … or is it candy? Well, if you ask the Targets and other retailers of the universe, I think their answer may in fact be candy. We celebrate with the beloved Easter Bunny; we get a freaked out picture taken, buy and decorate our weight in eggs, and then Mr. Cotton Tail himself comes magically while mommy takes the little royals on a stroller jalk, hides all the eggs and brings baskets of presents.He even leaves footprints on our sidewalk, because as a gentleman he uses the front door. Its a weekend full of fun, love, and the excitement that only children can have over finding hard boiled eggs in random spots around the house.

Now, as the Easter Bunny’s helper, I was in charge of securing the contents of said Easter Baskets, and I was bound and determined to not have them overflowing with candy. I mean really, do we need another holiday that is candy-centric. You have Halloween, the grand poo-bah of candy holidays, Valentine’s Day or otherwise known as Chocolate In a Box Day, and even Christmas has those striped canes of sugary peppermint. Every holiday has some type of sugary symbol, and I couldn’t help but want to go against the grain this time. My kiddos don’t need all that sugar! Even if it is for just a treat, the amount of candy themed for the holiday was, well, out of control. Did you know that over 90 million chocolate buddies are sold surrounding the Easter holiday? Seriously, must we eat a chocolate bunny? Will my children be looked at as deprived if they don’t have a chocolate bunny? I decided that I didn’t care and I went to a few stores this week looking for non-candy items on behalf of Mr. Bunny. You know what?  I struggled each time. There were multiple aisles of candy, and non-candy items seemed chintzy at best. Do we just forgo the whole Easter Basket experience? I can’t deny my children the fun of coloring eggs and getting a basket from Mr. Bunny, that would just be heartless. So what did this Fat-Free Mommy do? Well, lets just say I spent more than a couple dollars on non-candy items that didn’t deserve my money, but I stuck to my non-candy guns.

It really shouldn’t have been that hard! Do peeps really need to come in every color of the rainbow? Must there be edible Easter Basket grass? We have moved beyond the paper grass that would traditionally line the baskets because even the grass must be made of sugar? Everything must be edible! Come on! It is hard enough trying to find foods that kids will like that aren’t dripping with sugar, preservatives, GMOs, added hormones, and whatever other chemical combinations factories can make. If we give up the fight then our children could end up obese or plagued with any number of avoidable diseases and conditions, so we have to stand up for health, even on holidays, right?

When we got home from our jalk, I watched as my little royals beamed with joy over seeing the footsteps of Mr. Bunny. Shouts of  The Easter Bunny Came!!! excitedly left the lips of my princess. The baskets were a big hit, the eggs were found, and not a word of the missing candy was spoken. No one cared that there wasn’t a chocolate bunny! I felt almost like the Grinch at the end of the story when he realized that it wasn’t the presents that made Christmas special. Easter wasn’t about the candy this year, at least not in the Fat-Free Mommy house, and even though it was hard, I was proud that I didn’t succumb to the candy coated pressure.

XOXO,

Fat-Free Mommy

Little Healthy Choices

My little prince in my arms at five months old.

My little prince in my arms at five months old.

Week #2: 

 Pounds Lost This Week: 2.4

 Total Lost: 16.4

 Pounds to go to Goal #1: 8.0

Pounds to go Overall: 105.0

 Being a mommy is hands down the absolute BEST! It’s no secret that mommyhood was always on my life agenda, and being able to stay at home with my little royals is amazing, at times rough, but always fascinating and full of love, even when I’ve lost my ish and start a no-talking dance party in the living room. Now that I have a four year old princess and a one year old prince, I am hyper concerned with their health, and more acutely their eating habits, because, their relationship with food is pretty much solely influenced by yours truly. I buy mainly organic, at times gluten free, and have done my part in brain washing them into calling fruit filled oat bars “candy bars”, and veggie infused chips made from beans “potato chips”. So, I’ve at least done that correctly, right? I mean they don’t even know what a Dorito or a Happy Meal is, so I’m certain that gets me to some type of bonus level of mommyhood. So, why on a daily basis do I worry and analyze every nutritional detail of their day? I am literally on the cliff of paranoia when it comes my influence on their health habits. Well, first I’m a mom, so yeah I suppose that’s just what we do, and second what kind of Fat-Free Mommy would I be if I didn’t obsess in some way over the health of my children? Are they getting enough greens? Are they being overloaded with sugar? Do they get enough protein? Too much fat? Are their eating habits stunting their growth or causing some type of disorder? My goodness, I could literally go on forever with all of the internal questions that circle the Fat-Free Mommy brain at any given minute!

Well, this past week has given me a glimmer of hope that my behaviors and choices are making a good health impression on the wee ones. On one of our weekly adventures at Baby Boot Camp, my princess escaped from our stroller, as she does because she is of the age where she wants to be involved and included in everything! So, what did she do, she picked up a piece of equipment and began to exercise. She said she was exercising, and I have never felt so proud! She’s 4 years old, and she knows exercise is a want to activity. She was adorable with her squats and use of an extremely loose resistance band for bicep curls. I stopped to take a few photos, and then had to stop myself because that meant that I wasn’t exercising, and um hello, that’s why we were there!

Later in the week, when I asked her what she wanted for a snack, she requested Sports Candy, which is of course code for an apple. Now, I can’t take credit for that one, it comes from a television show for toddlers called LazyTown, where the hero Sporticus often needs Sports Candy to help him have energy to save the day. So, thank you to the creators of LazyTown for their genius product placement of a natural fruit! Anyhow, she asked for it, and inside I was jumping for joy, on the outside I praised her choice. Of course, if she was given the choice between a cupcake and an apple, she would hands down go for the cupcake, but we don’t keep cupcakes in the house. Let’s be real though, if we did keep cupcakes in the house, this Fat-Free Mommy would have eaten them all before the princess even had a chance. At the end of the day, my little princess was making me so proud with her little healthy choices, and I have to think that those choices had at least a little to do with me.

Being a mommy can be hard, especially as a stay-at-home mom. Not because toddlers can be complete whack-a-doodles with temper tantrums that could be Oscar nominated, but because at the end of the day, we were in charge of literally every waking moment our child experienced. Every minute at the park was because I ultimately chose to go. Every ounce of milk or water was because I chose to put that in the sippy cup. Every food available to them at home is there because I chose to put it in our house. There is no day-care to blame for a nutritional imbalance. There is no school to blame for not enough minutes of active play in the day. It’s all on me, and that can be exhausting! So, here’s to all of the mommies out there, stay-at-home and otherwise who give it their all to provide healthy happy lives for their little ones. Our job may not be easy, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world!

XOXO,

Fat-Free Mommy

The Greatest Loss

This week I am going to take a break from writing about the usual weight-loss and mommyhood topics, although as a side note I am back on the healthy eating wagon and have already lost 8 pounds! Even with that success, I need to take a moment to get more personal. To use this little online diary as a way to cope and shuffle myself through the process of grief. Because this week I lost much more than any number on the scale. This week, and to be specific, at 3:53pm on Friday, I lost my Dad.

My Dad, was in short, the most wonderful man on the planet. As a boy he grew up in an orphanage, only to emerge with a positive spirit into his first foster home at 16. He excelled in sports through college, and was adored as a teacher throughout his career, but what he was most amazing at was being a father. He raised me on his own, certainly not small undertaking by any means, and we functioned as a pair. Just me and him, for the majority of my life, and that is something I wouldn’t trade for anything.

Almost eight years ago, we got the news, the news that limited time. Stage 3 colon cancer had been detected and there was no telling how much time we had left, but we knew all of it would be borrowed. Well, he fought harder than anyone so he could see my dreams come true. He made sure to dance with me at my wedding, and to see me become a mother. And for a short time, my princess was the dancing spirit he needed to fight just a little bit harder. A few months back he had yet another round of radiation to try and rid his body of the disease that would never be cured, but this time he never got to feel better. The relief wasn’t coming, so somehow he had to know it was time.

Late Wednesday evening, I got the call, the call I had been dreading for so long, the call letting me know that the end was very near. He had entered into hospice home care and had rapidly declined. I needed to be with him. So, first thing in the morning I packed up the kids and we went to his bedside. His body was there, but it had already visibly changed so much since the time we saw him last, just over a month prior. His face and eyes were starting to sink and there was a gurgle with each breath he took. Looking around the room he was in, there were pictures, of only one person, my princess, and they were everywhere. He opened his eyes and smiled when we walked in the room. It was a little much for my royals to handle so I made it quick and told him how much I loved him multiple times, much like a broken record. In a weakened voice he struggled and forced out an I love you too, then began to cough. The nurse came in, helped to soothe, and after a while we were on our way with the promise of tomorrow’s return. That night, I didn’t sleep, I lay awake staring at my phone, mortified at the thought of it ringing. Friday morning finally came, and in the afternoon I rushed to be back at his side, just me this time.

I got there and he had declined. I said my hello and my I love you and went to get the brief from the nurse. The phrase he’s in a stage of actively dying hit me like a freight train. I wasn’t ready to not need him. I wasn’t ready to let him go. But I knew that I needed to tell him I would be ok. After another visitor left his room, I rushed in. I still had things he needed to hear. So, I held his hand and I played him a video of my princess telling him how much she loved him, and I heard his gurgled breath. Then I said I love you so much, and we are going to be ok, it’s ok for you to go. One more gurgled breath, and then… Silence. He was gone. I waited there still holding back the tears, holding his hand, just the two of us, and still telling him how much I loved him. Then I walked out to tell the others that he had gone. His wife went in, the nurse came back, and he was officially pronounced. I helped the nurse give him his final sponge bath along with his wife, her on one side and me on the other. Helping him to leave this earth in the best way possible. Then all we had to do was wait for the funeral/cremation folks to collect his body.

They were about two hours from arrival, so after talking with the social worker about grief, I went to do what I instinctively needed to do. I went back into his room and sat by his bedside, holding his hand, just the two of us, until the man came to take him away. I gave him his very last I love you, Daddy , a kiss on the forehead, and then he was on his way. I left shortly after because my relationship with my step-mother is only slightly better than those in fairy tales, so there was no reason to stay.

I now go in cycles of strength, to complete breakdown drowning in tears, to numb. By some magical power, I have not turned to food but to exercise, but even that only gives a brief escape from the cycle. I see those last few moments with him every time I close my eyes. I started out in this world in his arms, and he left this world in mine. It was just as it should be, regardless of how sad it was. I am selfishly devastated, but I know he is in a better place. A place of peace where there is no pain, no pills to take, or port to clean. I know that eventually, I will close my eyes and his last breath won’t be there. I know, that eventually, I will get used to the pain of him being gone. I know that I will see him in moments, and feel his presence , and that he will somehow still be watching out for me. But… For now… I’m lost without him. I am crushed, pieces of me are missing, and I am doing what I can to slowly piece myself back together.

XOXO,
Fat-Free Mommy

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Sharing the Love… A Runcation Story

Well it’s been a few months, so it’s safe to say my weight-loss success story has been at a bit of a standstill. My training on the other hand has been consistent and I have not missed a workout. However, the saying you can’t out-run a bad diet or bodies are shaped in the kitchen, couldn’t ring more true. Let’s just say, I’ve been doing my research just to be sure. So, now that the research has yielded a conformation of such sayings, it’s definitely time to get back on track! Needless to say, I am not currently a resident of Onerderland, but I am in a subdivision near by with a very short term lease! Am I disappoint in myself, of course! I am acutely aware of how close I could be to my goal weight if I could only get my eating under control. However, even with that disappointment, I am excited about my physical training and dedication to that training. So, for now, let’s focus on the positive.

Three years ago when I started this little journaling adventure, or even for my entire Fatty McFatGirl life prior, I never would have thought that I would be the person who used a race as a purpose for a vacation! Well, the Fat-Free Mommy family just got back from our first official Runcation! We traveled all the way to that other sunny state so that I could run in the Dumbo Double Dare at Disneyland (10k Saturday + 1/2 Marathon Sunday). I wasn’t nervous about the races, I had done the distances back to back many times before, what made me the most nervous was that cross country flight. Armed with goodies from Ellimoon, I was ready, or rather my little royals were ready with beautiful distractions. Overall, flights went quite well, my prince was awake and excited, which didn’t seem to amuse the row ahead of us, but if you are going from one Disney vacation spot to another, you should probably expect to have tiny humans aboard.

Now, most would expect that I would be excited for the races, or even playing in the Disneyland parks, which of course I was, but the one event that I was most excited for was the two hours I was going to work the Raw Threads booth at the fitness expo! It is no secret that I am mildly obsessed with the beautiful creations of running fashion designs from Raw Threads! They are beyond soft, the colors are amazing, and the designs that give subtle nods to my favorite disney characters are the BEST! Clearly, I am a superfan, so when I was offered the opportunity to work their expo booth, by a very dear friend, I was sure to make it happen! It was only two hours, but sharing the love of Raw Threads with complete strangers was amazing! It really wasn’t selling workout gear, it was creating bonds with new friends over running fabulousness. Hands down, the best fitness expo experience of my life!

Now that we are home, I feel the need to refresh my focus. Hence the break from my apparent blogging silence. Over the course of the next 5 months I have a few 5ks, a couple 10ks, a 10 mile race, at least 5 half marathons, and 2 marathons ! All of the miles and Baby Boot Camp workouts that I will log are only a small piece of this training puzzle… The rest comes from the kitchen. So, here we go! Running season has started, and there is no such thing as giving up!

XOXO,
Fat-Free Mommy

Cheer Moms and Fast Food

Week: #36
Pounds Lost: 71
Pounds To Go: 74

There are many different types of mommies in the universe. So far I am a stay-at-home mom, a mommy runner, a Baby Boot Camp mommy, a dance mom, and a gymnastics mom. Recently, I have added cheer mom to the list, and let me tell you it is a whole new species of mommy who I am observing in awe and wonderment. I was a cheerleader back in the day, but that was a very different day. Not to mention that being a high school cheerleader in the Seattle area is much different than being a competitive cheerleader in Florida! What we did was exercise, and sporty, but nowhere close to the athleticism that can be seen on any given day at a competitive cheer gym… in the South!

These girls, even the little ones are beasts! Sure they are bow wearing cutie pies, but then they start practice and the level of determination and sheer athletic ability that is on display for any given hour is truly awe inspiring. I mean, my three year old little princess ends the hour covered in sweat! She really does work hard, and she’s just in a pre-team prep class, and she L-O-V-E loves it! Now, while these little athletes are working up a sweat, the moms are corralled in a seating area where rows of chairs are filled with seemingly all different types of moms. Not one better than the other, and all there for the same purpose, to support a budding cheerleader. However, I do overhear an ongoing theme of conversation… Dinner. My little princess’s class is right around dinner time, so this topic of conversation is no surprise. The surprise comes from the amount of pure crap that is being pumped into the bodies of these athletes and their moms.

Foul words like that chiming bell of mystery tacos, and the king’s burgers and fries, or the worst, for which I can’t even come up with an alternative name, Sonic, have been brought up in multiple coversations. Mommies decide on which of the trifecta of artery clogging locals to take their athletes after practice because, and I quote, she’s already worked it off anyway. Wow…just wow! Yes, any given cheerleader at this gym has burned more than her fair share of calories for any given hour. However, shouldn’t we be fueling our children, athletes or not, with food that has some type of positive nutrition value? I mean a burger and large tots surely tastes good, but is it worth it?

Shouldn’t we be teaching our children about healthy options now, so that they can grow into adults who can make healthy choices on their own. I, of course, am no angel, my princess has experienced French fries and her fair share of nuggets from that cow store, but those visits are few and far between. I know that in many cases the trifecta of terrible food seems like the only option. Schedules are packed tight, and it is much easier to go through a drive thru than to go home and cook something. But is it truly easier, or do we just not make eating healthy a priority? Of course there are healthyish options at these places, but the way these ladies were talking, I highly doubt that their daughters were going to have anything off of the healthier option list. If we made healthy eating a priority, and prepared healthier options ahead of time, wouldn’t that be just as fast since it’s already ready? It takes planning, and a little effort, but won’t that be well worth it in the end? Wouldn’t that also make our already awesome athletes even more awesome?!

I know this is a sensitive subject for mommies, and don’t get me wrong, I do not judge anyone for going through a drive thru. Every mommy is doing the best she can, I’m sure! I can only speak for myself, and say that I will take the time to at least attempt to feed my children healthy options throughout their life, no matter how busy our schedules may be. I hope my princess never knows the convenience of daily drive thru living. She’s a toddler now, so finding foods she will actually eat can be tricky. Giving her nuggets every day would certainly be a heck of a lot easier that trying to negotiate eating a kale infused protein bar with her, but that’s a battle I am willing to fight. In the end we all have to make the choices that best suit our families. For the Fat-Free Mommy family, the choice is health and happiness.

XOXO,
Fat-Free Mommy