More Than Just After Jiggle

my-thoughts-on-zumba-26099Week: #4

Pounds Lost: 10

Pounds to Go: 190

Another great week in the books for our little family filled with exercise, activity, and bravery on the part of yours truly. I have always had a love and even a passion for exercise, but whether it is guilt or embarrassment, shame or just plain fear, there are some classes at the gym that I have turned away from, mainly because I don’t want to see myself doing them. I hide from the mirrors, when an instructor says look at your form in the mirror, I am mentally thinking “yeah, better not”. I am acutely aware of the weight that I have put back on. I am painfully aware of my shattered strength, speed, flexibility and agility. I am the “let themselves go” cautionary tale right now! Even with all of that, something was pulling me to take my first Zumba class… just for … fun??

So I thought, go… just do it… but don’t look in the mirrors. Mirrors don’t lie, ok, maybe fun house mirrors do, but not the ones in gyms, and seeing the truth of my body as it is right now, doing Zumba moves, is just not something I would look at with accepting eyes. It isn’t about being awkward with movement or with latin styles of dance. It isn’t a difficulty with catching on quickly to moves or rhythms, oh no, that I CAN do! I may be a Fatty McFat Mom right now with ample after jiggle, but I have the moves to back up that jiggle! It is all about not looking the way I once did, or the not yet looking the way I want to in the future, while doing those moves.

So there I was, hiding in the back. There was actually a visible divide between those who loved to look at themselves in the mirror, aka the front row, and those of us who would rather avoid it, aka the back row, but very little imbetweeners. That is until the instructor said something about the obvious gap in the room. Us back row bandits all inched forward tentatively as if there was some kind of vortex in the middle of the room that we did not want to get sucked into. On blares the music and we are off. Here’s the kicker, there was no microphone!!! Now, since this was the popping of my Zumba cherry, I do not know if this is normal, but I am definitely used to having some type of verbal queue for what the eFF I am supposed to be doing. Nope. Not in this room, you follow and either you catch on or you just keep wiggling until the class is over!

Not to my surprise, but maybe to the surprise of others, there I was keeping up, every single pound of me was moving. It was fun, I was completely out of breath, and I cannot wait for next week! I had to leave a few minutes early since my childcare time limit was quickly approaching, but as I made my way out the door, the most uplifting thing happened… the instructor moved to the side of her stage, pointed at me, and said “You’re awesome”. I mouthed thank you and waved goodbye. We both know I will be back!  I may never have the courage to actually tell her, but she completely made my day. She didn’t see just the after jiggle, she didn’t see my lack of confidence in myself or my general disgust at my appearance, she saw a dancer. Maybe it was because without looking at the mirrors, I could imagine myself as the dancer I once was. Maybe it was because as a newcomer I exceeded her expectations. Or maybe just maybe, it was because she could see in me what I cannot wait to be visible on the outside to everyone, especailly myself. A vibrant, athletic, strong, beautiful and sometimes even sexy woman who is ready to live.

The moral of this cautionary tale is, your size, your weight, your shape, are all things that can be changed. You can make your outside absolutely match whatever or whomever you see yourself as on the inside. It may take time, sacrifice, money, determination, perseverance, dedication, you know all of those motivational poster words, but having your outside match your inside is well worth all of it. I cannot wait for the day that I finally match again!


FatFree Mommy

Sometimes You Gotta Laugh

33ce9ad74c8603b60f9f130910f24b27Week: #8

Pounds Lost: 5

Pounds to Go: 125

Woohoo! Another week and another 2 pounds gone! I would celebrate with a happy dance, but this week I seem to have channeled my inner Lucy, so I fear I would hurt myself! Some weeks are good, some weeks are bad, and then there are weeks like this, where you just have to laugh.

It started Monday, a normal Monday by Monday standards, started teaching my bootcamp class, and during the warm up I managed to sprain my middle finger while attempting to stretch my quad. Yes, you read that right, I sprained a finger stretching my leg! Who does that?! If I didn’t live it, I really wouldn’t think it were possible. But there I was kicking my leg back to catch in my hand, and BAM, missed and kicked my own middle finger. I screamed through a smile, some of the kiddos laughed at me, and I sent the mommies for a little warm up run while I composed myself. Class went on, life went on, and about 5 hours later I figured it would be time to ice my finger, you know, since it had almost doubled in size. By nightfall I finally got around to putting a finger brace on it, and when I awoke the next day it was a beautiful rainbow of purples, blues, and yellows. That’s me, Mommy McClumsy! It gets better though. The next day I could bend my finger a little without pain and I took off my finger brace to wash  my hands, in swoops the little hands of my little prince and my brace disappears. Where is mommy’s finger brace? I ask… Over there, he answers. Now, Over there, to my two year old is really more of a general anywhere in the universe type of location. So, here I am, healing slowly without a brace, and I really just have to laugh.

Why I share this story, is because that incident on Monday could have gone one of two ways. I could have gotten discouraged and stopped, or I could have just kept going knowing that it would get better. I chose the optimistic route, and just kept going. My finger wasn’t falling off, or contorted into some unnatural direction, so for me, that meant that it could be dealt with later. I had a “show must go on” type of attitude and I know that this attitude can translate into my weight loss journey. So, I had a painful experience, that doesn’t mean I had to then eat a cake to feel better. So, I had a nibble of my kiddos pasta, that doesn’t mean that I have to turn and binge the day away. One simple mistake, mishap, or moment of negativity does not define a day. Get back up, and keep going, because the day isn’t over yet, and you never know what hilarious Lucy type moment is just around the corner.


Fat-Free Mommy

Welcome to Fat-Free Mommyhood…

Welcome to Fat-Free Mommyhood… or at least the beginning of the fat-free journey in mommyhood. I am a mommy, I love being a mommy, my 6 month old daughter is gorgeous and my reason for being, but I don’t want her growing up with a fat mommy. Of course right now my fat belly is a space that she enjoys as she bounces up and down much like one would on a trampoline, but in a few months that fat belly will stop being a source of joy as she begins to crawl and walk, and my huffing and puffing queen sized behind fails to keep up. But, let’s be honest, yes I want to be fat-free (and by that of course I mean a “healthy weight” think curvy like Kim Kardashian not skinny like Rachel Zoe) so that I can live longer, and be more active with my child, I have a M.A is Sports and Fitness so believe me I know the health benefits and all of the pc reasons that I should want to lose weight, but who am I kidding… I want to be the quintessential M.I.L.F…

I like much of Americans these days was a fat kid, I have been everything from a size 2 – 22 and almost all of those sizes are collecting dust in my current closet. I have yo-yo’d my entire life and have almost literally tried every diet craze out there. Guess what, most of them did work! For example, I lost 80 pounds before my wedding using the HCG Diet (the shots, not drops), felt great, looked fabulous, and then came the honeymoon. I no longer had to fit my sorry behind in a white dress, so the diet gloves came off and poof… I gained over 20 pounds in 7 days. Instead of getting back on track when I got home, I just kept on gaining… and then magic happened, I got pregnant, so obviously you can guess that my weight just kept climbing the fat mommy mountain.

My problem isn’t the dieting, that I can do… it’s the maintaining. Once I look like a “skinny girl” I think that I am a “skinny girl”, you know, those ones who claim that they eat whatever they want without gaining a pound… Well I’m not a “skinny girl” I will always be a “fat girl” on the inside and if I eat whatever I want, I will gain a pound or 5. So, this time, it’s going to be different, and although that has been said countless times before, this time I mean it!

I am starting at a weight that is far too high for a shorty like me, and although I will never share the number with you, lets just say I am Biggest Loser big. You know when they’re on the first episode and almost all of them cry on the scale because the number basically bitch-slaps them with a numerical equivalent to a “Come to Jesus” type talk. That’s me, Fatty McFatMom… well for now anyway. I have a goal of losing 100 pounds and I know I will succeed and maybe even inspire a few to do the same.

So follow me on my journey, if anyone ever reads this I hope I can help or at least provide some entertainment along the way.


Fat-Free Mommy